Tonight was rough. Again. Not bedtime though, before dinner. Someone was in someone elses way which caused someone to fall. Someone was touching someone else which caused someone to get kicked in the head by someone else. Which nearly caused Mama to lose her shit. Everyone went to their assigned Time Out Spot with threats of no TV, no movie with friends the next day, no video game time, etc. Of course, there are always threats, threats which are big fat lies and my lame attempt at maintaining this facade of control. Who am I kidding? The only control I have is over myself. I have to constantly hold myself back from screaming things so inappropriately horrible that sometimes, I think I could explode. So, in an effort to avoid combustion, I have compiled a list of responses to
the most fucking annoying questions that I am dying to say but can’t. Enjoy:
Why does he always take my toys? Honey, I don’t know why your brother is such an asshole but I think it has something to do with you being an asshole to him.
Why do I always have to brush my teeth first? Because you can do it by yourself, which buys me a few more minutes of sitting on my ass.
How come he got to choose the book? He gets to choose because when he doesn’t he throws a much bigger fit than you.
Why do you get him dressed all the time? He can do it by himself. I get your brother dressed because maybe he can stand wearing his underwear backwards, but I can’t stand to watch him dig them out of his ass all day. Also, it’s incredibly annoying to me that he is so damn slow.
Why do I always have to have a vegetable? Because. Now shovel it in before I give you some more. And take away your video game time. And TV time. And you’ll have to sleep in the basement with the child-eating rats. Now eat damn it.
He’s hitting me! Well move out of the way so he can’t reach you. Your brother is a manic monster who takes great pleasure in hurting people– which worries me and Daddy but we are hoping that with time and avoidance, this will go away.
Who do you love the most? You, of course- just don’t tell your brothers.
Of course I would never say any of these things- well except the last one.
What do you wish you could say to your kids?