Mama’s Still on the Wagon. Barely.

Well it’s been five days and I am still on the No Yell Wagon.  There have been a couple close calls but somehow I have managed to hold on by my fingernails.  Pressing my buttons the most these days is my youngest.  The tantrums are pushing me over the edge.  Most frequently, melt downs happen when someone does something irreversible like flushes a toilet, throws something away, someone goes through the door first- you get the idea. When something can’t be undone, we have a situation.  The situation usually includes screaming, repetitive sobs of “No, mama.  No, mama.  No, mama.”  Or, “Me do first.  Me do first.  Me do first.”  This can last anywhere from 10 minutes (never less) to 40 minutes (sometimes longer).  The situation also may or may not include rolling, kicking, throwing, hitting or pushing.  Or pulling clothes.  Which for some reason enrages me.  Why?  I have no idea.  When a child pulls on my clothing as I try to walk away or move, I just about lose my shit.  These situations occur 4-5 times per day lately.

I was in Old Navy a few days ago when a situation came about (He wanted to pull clothes off the shelves and I wasn’t really cool with this so he was strapped into the stroller.)  The screaming lasted the entire time I was in the store.  I needed to finish the errand and couldn’t take time to cool down in the car, outside etc.  As I walked through the store, looking for the last fucking pair of size 7 slims they had in inventory, the screaming became so loud that a salesman approached us an produced a golf ball.  He asked if it would make him happy if he held it.  Yeah, sure dude.  I hope you have dental insurance because I am guessing you’ll need it after he hucks that ball at your chops.  Seriously?  My child doesn’t need a fucking ball.  He needs an exorcism.  And a tranquilizer.  Um, I mean, no thank you.  The sobbing continues.  “Mama, out.  Mama, out.  Mama, out.”  In the check out, we waited for the cashier-in-training to reload the register paper.  Would you like to sign up for an Old Navy card, ma’am?  Really?  You read my mind!  That’s exactly what I want to do right now!  Just like I want to chew through my own arm and beat you with it.  Um, I mean no thank you.  We left the store and I swear I heard applause as the door shut behind us.

Getting into the car, I was forced to use the hold-child-secure-with-elbow-technique while buckling the five-point harness that should have come with a muzzle.  “Mama, peas.  Mama, peas.  Mama, peas.”  I kissed his sweaty, snotty cheek and shut the door.  And stood in the parking lot next to the car.  Wanting to cry because that was really hard.  Because I didn’t think I could make it.  Because that was embarrassing and terrible and stressful and awful.  But also proud that I didn’t freak out.  That I made it.  That I didn’t lose my cool.  Breathe.

I put the stroller in the trunk and got in the car.  The crazed animal looked at me from the back seat, quiet now.  He had stopped crying but looked like he could relapse at any minute.  I sat there, looking at him in the mirror.  Hi, he said.  Hi.  And we smiled.  That moment.  The smile.  The relief.  I can do this.  Breathe.  Want to grab a bagel?  Yes.  Hungry.  Let’s go, little buddy.

So I think we are getting there.  Slowly.  Slowly.  It’s not easy.  And it’s not even getting easier.  But I feel a little better each time I don’t yell.  Maybe one of these days it will be easier.  Or maybe we will get sued because someone eats a golf ball.  Ya never know what tomorrow brings.  Peace, Mamas.

13 thoughts on “Mama’s Still on the Wagon. Barely.

  1. I confess, I yelled last night. I’m sick, exhausted and my husband was out of town for the night. My three year old insisted on stripping down naked at the dinner table, required that I feed him each bite of his dinner (while also trying to feed the baby and ::gasp:: myself) and requesting to switch chairs about 100 times… After I yelled at him to “Just stop!” He said, “Mom, you seem a yittle canky” This infuriated me and melted my heart at the same time. He was noticing my feelings, expressing empathy, reflecting. This morning went smoothly and as we pulled out of the driveway, I looked back and said, “thank you boys for being such good helpers this morning,” to which H replied, “thank you for being such a good mommy.” It’s all worth it 🙂

  2. Good for you for hanging in there. I give you a ton of credit. I love the way my son can sometimes flip out on us right before bed and then act like nothing happened in the morning, I guess it’s a great quality to have, it’s just hard for me to accept that after being hurt. I tend to hold a grudge. It’s funny how our kids teach us so much. I once read a book about the after life that said we choose our parents for a reason to teach them something in this life time and I think I believe it. My kids teach me so much about myself but the learning and changing part is the hardest. I just don’t want it to be too late before I fully learn.

    • My children teach me so much as well. Especially to forgive. They accept my apologies without question. You’re right: adults tend to hold grudges and perseverate on incidents. I love the idea that are children choose their parents- I believe this is true also. I’d love the name of that book…!

      • The name of the book is Everything Happens for a Reason: Love, Free Will, and the Lessons of the Soul [Hardcover]
        Suzane Northrop (Author)

        It helped me when my mom died. It was just very comforting.

        PS. I must’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, super tired even though I got 7-8 hrs of sleep. I had no patience and completely lost any that I I’d have on my kids. I just can’t deal with fighting and teasing so early before I’ve had my coffee. I need to force myself to wake up at 5 so that I can have time to “wake up” before getting the kids up for school. I feel horrible. What a way to start our day.

      • There should be a rule about not having to break of fights un-caffeinated. That’s just wrong!!! Thanks for the book- I am definitely going to check that out. Also… Your support means the world to me… Thanks friend 🙂

      • so true about our children teaching us so much! hang in there Sarah! your children are blessed to have a mom like you who cares enough to stay on the wagon!

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