Little Boys are Murderers

Sweeping the mudroom this morning, I stumbled across a mass grave.  Of ants.  Let me start by saying that it may come as a surprise that although we live in a 143 year old farm house in a small Vermont town, we have never had a problem with insects (mice, of course but no bugs).  Until we updated our kitchen and uncovered some kind of colony of black ants.  For the last couple of months, we have used ant cups, gel cups and spray.  But to no avail.  The little suckers just keep coming back.  Our plan is to hire an exterminator to bomb the creepy bastards once it’s warm enough to open the windows without wearing our snowsuits- which in Vermont is typically June.  In the mean time, I have children to keep the problem somewhat under control.

Their method of extermination consists of picking each ant up and pinching its wriggling body between their fingers.  Most of the legs stop moving before they toss it back down.  Sometimes the legs continue to spasm for a few seconds but by this time, the boys have lost interest in their suffering victim and moved on to the next.  Of course the corpse is left behind (or tossed into the mudroom, thus the mass grave) with zip remorse.  Zip.

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Now all of this is gross, cringe-worthy and there’s nothing sanitary about it.  But what’s most disturbing about is sometimes they smile while doing performing the execution.  Even my two-year-old.  And once I started thinking about this, I was comforted by the realization that all boys are murderers.  This insecticidal ideation seems to be ingrained in their minds from a very young age- or as I believe, at birth- because surely this is not a result from my parenting.  Surely.  Nope.  I even remember my cousins (four boys- bless you Aunt Kay!) seeking out and murdering anything from insect to arachnids to small reptiles- well except for the nature-loving one who wore moccasins, purples Umbros and toted a stuffed kitty around until he was… well never mind.   But the rest were murderous.

Further distressing is that my husband seems to almost encourage this savage behavior.  He at least suggests the carcasses be disposed of outside (most of the time) but he doesn’t tell them to cease this beahvior.  I think I am the only one who cares.  And this is another reason I stand by my claim: This isn’t my fault.  This happens because boys are torturous, head-hunting babarians.  This uncivilized streak seems to be limited to bug-squishing so as long as I can count on table manners, I think I can overlook this.  But for God-sake, can’t they drag the bodies to the side of our property, dig some shallow unmarked graves and dump them there instead of the mudroom?  Having said that, I’m confident I am raising upstanding, contributing members of society.  I think.

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10 thoughts on “Little Boys are Murderers

  1. Sarah I stumbled across your link when someone had shared it on Facebook. I just want you to know that I.stayed up late last night reading your blogs, I laughed so hard and even cried during others. I have never read such heart felt truth in anything you truely have a gift. I see you while your in Lantmans with the boys I always smile because I.can see how much joy they have brought you and Barry. I just wanted to let you know that I loved your blog!

  2. Dear Madam,
    While replying to a chap regarding roses, I have somehow arrived at your article… Whilst protesting emphatically that not all boys delight in inflicting pain upon animals, allow me to suggest that the ants will continue to return to their nest – they may be forced to disperse with the addition of some “repellant”, but they will ordinarily return to their home. If you can remove the nest from the walls/crawlspace of your home, the ants will be obliged to relocate. At least, such is the case in the countryside in Ireland. I do hope that the boys will consider that the ants, like any animal, feel pain, and do suffer; and that tracing the nest (if you can) will remove the problem without your having to foot the expense of sealing your house and exterminating. With the best of helpful intentions from one Irish countryman, I remain,
    Sincerely,
    P Livingstone

    • Thanks for your thoughts on insect removal! We had the wall open at one point and I am not sure we’ll do that again… I’m hoping they’ll run their course and move on to another house! And my boys are animal-loving, nature-respecting humans… Who are going through an insect-murdering phase. I’m sure they’ll come through just fine 🙂 Thanks for reading my blog- hope you’ll visit again soon! Peace-

  3. I am literally laughing out loud. As a Mommy to a precious girly bug hating almost three year old and new baby boy, I have no idea what I’m in for with a boy. This just has me shaking my head and laughing! Love your blog!

    • Why thank you! Boys are so much fun- I feel like I am laughing everyday with them. I never know what I’m going to walk into… Which can be entertaining or annoying- but always keeps me on my toes! Congrats on your new little one- and thank you so much for reading and following my blog! Peace Mama!

  4. I tried to smother a litter of kittens when I was a little girl. I’m an upstanding, contributing, etc. It’s a kid thing. Not Lord of the Flies so much as Look at my Awesome Power!! We redirected that power for our boys at the beach last summer, and they spent an ENTIRE day building a habitat for sea snails instead of squishing them.

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