Mama is Fed the F*ck Up

I don’t know how I got here but I am really struggling.  Patience are none existent.  Rationality has been exhausted.  My last nerve has been on extended leave.  What the hell is going on?  Well, I’ll tell ya.  My two year old has made a liar out of me.  Up until now, I never believed in the Terrible Twos.  Three was the worst in our house.  Three was the age of talking back, and fierce independence.  I thought the Terrible Twos were a load of shit.  Until I met Zook.

His whining has become the soundtrack to my life.  I swear, the crying and wallowing haunts me in my sleep.  He wants to help with everything.  Which is fine.  Takes a few extra minutes but I can deal with that.  If that was it.  But helping doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of my frustration with this child as of late.

Tonight was taco night.  Zook wanted a soft shell with shredded cheese.  Rolled inside.  Wait, on the side.  On the side of the plate.  Actually on the plate.  Yes, on the plate with sour cream to dip it in.  No, sour cream on the tortilla.  Okay, cheese on the side with sour cream in the taco.  Got it.  Nope, change of plans.  Sour cream out of the tortilla.  With cheese on the side.  What?  There’s still sour cream on the tortilla?  I can’t get it all out.  Now the tortilla is on the floor.  Now he wants a new tortilla.  With cheese.  And sour cream.  And tomatoes.  What. The. Fuck.

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I just can’t win with this kid.  I am certainly not a rookie Mama but lately, I am feeling like I am flailing through my interactions with this child.  I have no clue what is going to piss him off.  A dribble of milk spills next to his cereal bowl.  He wants cake.  In bed.  He wants me to fit the baseball through the egg-sized hole.  He doesn’t wait to sit in his carseat.  His shirt has a picky part.  His sock has an itchy part.  He wants to crush every Lego ship in the save-spot.  Please don’t hit Mama with the hammer.  Please, Mama!  Hit Mama, please!  Are you kidding me, kid?!

Being a Mama is so hard right now.  Tonight I literally felt like I could have shaken him.  Can they still get shaken baby syndrome at age two?!  I didn’t… But I could have.  I feel like I am on edge.  Like I have some kind of sick mental illness where I try to anticipate things that will piss him off and prevent them so I can alter the future.  You really don’t want to flush the toilet this time?  Really?  But you really like to do it.  Are you sure because if I flush we can’t have a do over.  Okay…  Maybe we’ll leave it for a minute if you change your mind…  What is my problem?  Am I enabling this?

I feel like I am failing him and myself.  And it’s really not fair to my other two.  I get that.  I feel like I used to be so much better at negotiating this kind of stuff but I am really sucking.  Exhausted, depleted, defeated.  Mama is tired of trying.  Tired of the whining, begging, screaming.  Tired of the meltdowns (his and mine).  Beyond tired of the struggle.  When is this going to get better?  I know this is a phase.  But honestly, the next person who says that to me should guard their throat because I’m not sure I can control the urge to punch.  It is a phase but we’ve been in this fucking phase for months now and it’s not really getting better.  I need an intervention.  (Self-medicating with alcohol has proved to be only marginally effective…)

We will overcome.  We will get through this.  The silence tonight is my therapy.  I need peace so that I can convince myself tomorrow will be better; that I will have more patience; that we can make it through this.  I need to hear  all of these things to convince myself I really don’t need to pack that bag and sneak out in the night.  I need to look in on his sleeping sweet face.  I adore this child…  Why does he have to be so fricken adorable?!  They really are cuter when they’re sleeping, huh?

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Peace Mamas.

22 thoughts on “Mama is Fed the F*ck Up

  1. I totally feel for you. I hope you feel better after getting it off your chest. I so know that feeling all too well. You’re a good mama.

    • Thank you sweet lady! I will get there. Just tough right now. I truly adore this child… And, he’s the hardest thing in my life right now! He woke up twice during this post. Finally sent Daddy up. So. Done.

  2. Kids will humble us moms every time. Just when we think we got it, there it goes. And our minds go with it.

  3. Wowzers mama… I know the feeling of total rage that your kids can drive you to. I’ve been there and it always astounds me how something so small can cause us so much emotion. Going from the perfectly sane, calm, patient people we once thought we were to feeling like we’ve lost our minds. Hang in there. 🙂 peace mama.

  4. Chin up Love! I know that I am not a mom, but I sending you blessings and love tonight! I think you are a great mom! I think you are doing fine. I think there is a very bold message to be learned here. That is something you and your son will figure out. I have faith in you! I think you are strong enough to endure the trying moments. Keep it up Mama! Tomorrow is a new day, and you will resolve this all very soon. xoxoxoxo

    Life loves those who live it! If you have the courage to love, you survive…life loves those who live it! (Apply this how you want, I find strength in this saying! Keep shining your light.

  5. Aaah I can relate to this a lot! My second child was similar to this. God forbid if I put her scrambled eggs on toast actually ON the toast! I’ve probably got all this to come again too. Why do we do it? Because just when you think you’re at breaking point they display that über cute smile, or whatever and then you melt. For a while 🙂

  6. They are ALWAYS cuter when they’re sleeping. There are times when Baby C drives me absolutely nuts, but the good times make it worth the bad. You’ll get through this!

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  8. He really is adorable.. I’m going through much of the same with my son but this is my first time around. We just had a lovely day together where he didn’t throw one tantrum for the first time in over a week. I hope for more of the same for him and for you.

    • Oh what a wonderful feeling! So happy for you Mama! It’s so tough… But just when we are about to throw our hands up, we fall in love all over again! Thank you for reading! Peace Mama!

  9. I feel you… I myself have let out frustrated screams in front of my 2-year old, and then beat myself up for being a horrible role model. If only someone would discover the secret to getting through to two-year olds 🙂 But one thing is for sure…no matter how long this phase lasts, you’ll still love them with all your heart.

  10. Only very specials mothers are gifted with three boys and there is always one who seems to be such a challenging handful you are not sure you will survive BUT…. remember “this too shall pass”! TRUST me, the day will come when those hair pulling, heart wrenching days are past, when you are coloring all those grays hairs and when you finally have all the time to yourself that you will be amazed how fondly you remember this time in your life, so yes, “Life Loves those who Live it” and Live it you truly are, Sarah. Welcome to motherhood, mama!

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