I don’t know how I got here but I am really struggling. Patience are none existent. Rationality has been exhausted. My last nerve has been on extended leave. What the hell is going on? Well, I’ll tell ya. My two year old has made a liar out of me. Up until now, I never believed in the Terrible Twos. Three was the worst in our house. Three was the age of talking back, and fierce independence. I thought the Terrible Twos were a load of shit. Until I met Zook.
His whining has become the soundtrack to my life. I swear, the crying and wallowing haunts me in my sleep. He wants to help with everything. Which is fine. Takes a few extra minutes but I can deal with that. If that was it. But helping doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of my frustration with this child as of late.
Tonight was taco night. Zook wanted a soft shell with shredded cheese. Rolled inside. Wait, on the side. On the side of the plate. Actually on the plate. Yes, on the plate with sour cream to dip it in. No, sour cream on the tortilla. Okay, cheese on the side with sour cream in the taco. Got it. Nope, change of plans. Sour cream out of the tortilla. With cheese on the side. What? There’s still sour cream on the tortilla? I can’t get it all out. Now the tortilla is on the floor. Now he wants a new tortilla. With cheese. And sour cream. And tomatoes. What. The. Fuck.
I just can’t win with this kid. I am certainly not a rookie Mama but lately, I am feeling like I am flailing through my interactions with this child. I have no clue what is going to piss him off. A dribble of milk spills next to his cereal bowl. He wants cake. In bed. He wants me to fit the baseball through the egg-sized hole. He doesn’t wait to sit in his carseat. His shirt has a picky part. His sock has an itchy part. He wants to crush every Lego ship in the save-spot. Please don’t hit Mama with the hammer. Please, Mama! Hit Mama, please! Are you kidding me, kid?!
Being a Mama is so hard right now. Tonight I literally felt like I could have shaken him. Can they still get shaken baby syndrome at age two?! I didn’t… But I could have. I feel like I am on edge. Like I have some kind of sick mental illness where I try to anticipate things that will piss him off and prevent them so I can alter the future. You really don’t want to flush the toilet this time? Really? But you really like to do it. Are you sure because if I flush we can’t have a do over. Okay… Maybe we’ll leave it for a minute if you change your mind… What is my problem? Am I enabling this?
I feel like I am failing him and myself. And it’s really not fair to my other two. I get that. I feel like I used to be so much better at negotiating this kind of stuff but I am really sucking. Exhausted, depleted, defeated. Mama is tired of trying. Tired of the whining, begging, screaming. Tired of the meltdowns (his and mine). Beyond tired of the struggle. When is this going to get better? I know this is a phase. But honestly, the next person who says that to me should guard their throat because I’m not sure I can control the urge to punch. It is a phase but we’ve been in this fucking phase for months now and it’s not really getting better. I need an intervention. (Self-medicating with alcohol has proved to be only marginally effective…)
We will overcome. We will get through this. The silence tonight is my therapy. I need peace so that I can convince myself tomorrow will be better; that I will have more patience; that we can make it through this. I need to hear all of these things to convince myself I really don’t need to pack that bag and sneak out in the night. I need to look in on his sleeping sweet face. I adore this child… Why does he have to be so fricken adorable?! They really are cuter when they’re sleeping, huh?